Any serious commitment to diversity and equity will inevitably lead to uncomfortable and difficult conversations. Time and again I have seen perfectly good and well-intentioned people trying to do good and well-intentioned work that gets muddled or even undermined by the inability to have open and honest conversations. I have also participated in such conversations and so understand these challenges first hand. I am going to offer some tools that can help you to face and move through these challenges.
1) Be willing to check your guilt at the door- Guilt-motivated conversations are less impactful than respect-motivated conversations. Actions that are motivated or, more likely, blocked by guilt do not accomplish anything positive or fruitful. There is a big difference between conversations that are shaped by guilt or fear and conversations that are shaped by a desire for mutual respect and understanding. Guilt and fear are accompanied by a kind of tightening up and closing off, because we want to hide and protect ourselves. In contrast, when we are being respectful we are likely to be more open and receptive to other people. Any constructive conversation is based in the ability to remain open; so if you find that you tend to respond to certain topics or situations with guilt, be willing to check that guilt at the door.
2) Get clear about your intentions and set some ground rules- When entering into a difficult conversation it is important that everyone is clear about their intentions in having the conversation. What is it that you hope to accomplish: greater clarity, consensus-building, mutual understanding, mediation, debate, conversion…? This is important because if one person wants to convert others to their way of thinking and another person is simply hurt and wants to vent, and another person is hoping for mediation… the conversation is not going to go anywhere and may do more harm than good. There are times and situations in which venting may be appropriate and healthy and there are times when mediation is needed; the important thing is that everyone be on the same page from the beginning. If you all agree that the purpose of the conversation is mediation then you need to set ground rules for a mediation. This is also helpful because it can force you to take a closer look at where you actually are in the process. You may need to have several different kinds of conversations because your group may need to work through grievances before you can do consensus-building, for example.
3) Be willing to be wrong- The willingness to be wrong allows for greater honesty and openness. I am less likely to be honest about my feelings or ideas when I am more concerned about being right or about appearing to hold a particular set of beliefs that I am afraid will be unpopular. When I am willing to be wrong I am more likely to be open to having someone else offer criticism of my ideas. Often we are protective of our ideas and opinions because we fear how they will be received or that people will think less of us or see us in a negative light. When we are willing to be wrong, we open the door for the possibility of genuine engagement with another person and this lays the groundwork for us to be able to have the kinds of conversations that can actually accomplish something.
4) Relinquish the idea that you can control how others perceive of you- So often we get caught up in trying to say the “right” thing. We can get caught up in trying to control other people’s reactions, not wanting to anger or offend someone, but the truth is that we cannot know, nor can we control how someone will hear or respond to what we say. What we can do is remain open to the other person’s feedback and be willing to work through the ramifications of what we say.
5) You can be both honest and kind- We can approach honesty as an act of vulnerability, “Here is what I think, what do you think?”, rather than as a judgment, “I think this and this is the truth.” One stance is open-ended and invites engagement, while the other stance is closed and discourages engagement. Because we are all fallible and carry both conscious and unconscious prejudices there is always the possibility that our honesty might be inflammatory. When we approach honesty as an act of vulnerability we are able to embrace the fullness of our imperfect humanity by opening up our ideas and opinions to public scrutiny. By leaving the door open for our own fallibility we also acknowledge the humanity of other people who are also fallible and imperfect. Our ideas and opinions, even those that go unexpressed, still function to shape our attitudes and behaviors. When we remain silent about our ideas because we think that they are inflammatory, we are really protecting those ideas from closer inspection; we are not protecting other people.
6) Self-awareness goes a long way- Each of us has a specific world-view that is comprised of our history, experiences, beliefs, etc… Our world-view shapes how we experience and live in the world. We interpret our experiences and our interactions with others through this lens. If we do not practice self-awareness we can forget that we are wearing this lens and we start to think that the world is as we see and experience it. If we remain aware of the fact that we are wearing this lens then we can also acknowledge that we have some blind spots. We can acknowledge that there are some things that we do not know about the world and even about ourselves because we are seeing and interpreting the world through a particular lens. Self-awareness also requires that we seek to better understand our own particular world-view: What are my prejudices? How do my privileges shape my perspective? What assumptions am I making about a particular situation based upon my fundamental beliefs about how the world works? Practicing self-awareness ultimately helps us to be more open to ideas and beliefs that do not fit within our particular world-view. Practicing self-awareness also makes us more aware of our own triggers and allows us to better assess our ability to participate in difficult conversations. Do I need a space to vent before I can participate in a consensus-building conversation? Am I so attached to my perspective that I am more interested in conversion than mutual understanding? Understanding these things about ourselves provides us with greater insight and clarity making it easier to participate in difficult conversations.
7) Exercise some humility- Once we become more aware of our world-view, and that we are operating from a particular set of experiences, beliefs, etc… then it becomes easier to relinquish the idea that our interpretation is THE interpretation. This does not mean that we cannot be committed to our beliefs or that we should not stand up for our beliefs, it simply means that we can both hold our beliefs and remain open to an alternative interpretation.
8) Ask real questions- While it is important to ask a lot of questions when we are engaging in difficult conversations, there are times when we ask questions that simply reinforce our assumptions. When we are really trying to understand a person’s point of view it is important to ask truly open-ended questions that allow the space for our assumptions to be incorrect. For example, if you ask a person: “Why are you so irresponsible?” That is not a real question and it actually closes off the possibility for real dialogue. That person is either left to acquiesce and explain or to defend him/herself. A more open-ended approach would be, “When you are constantly late for work it makes me feel that you are not committed to this job, why are you late so often?” By framing the question in this way you are being honest about your assumptions while still remaining open and allowing for the possibility that your assumption might be inaccurate or incomplete.
9) Ask yourself, what is at stake here?- Sometimes we find ourselves locked in battle mode. Our jawlines are tight, our shoulder muscles bunched, with stomach muscles tightened as though we are bracing for battle. But what is really at stake? If I say something “wrong” or embarrass myself or upset someone is that really going to be the end of the world? Probably not, I may need to clean up after myself later or I might have to relinquish or revise some judgment, but really, what would I lose if I approach this exchange with a spirit of honesty and openness rather than with fists clenched and stomach in knot? What am I really afraid of? You may find that your trepidation is legitimate. Your colleague or friend or boss might be slightly unhinged and/or unreasonable and might not be open to engaging with you in an open and honest manner, but that is their problem, not yours. In those instances you might actually need to reevaluate some things about that relationship or situation that go beyond a specific conversation. It is more frequently the case that bosses, colleagues, and friends are not unhinged and would actually be willing to engage in open and honest conversation, even if that conversation is unpleasant.
10) Sometimes you need to agree to disagree- If you get to a place of frustration or you feel like the dialogue is stalled or stuck you may need to take a step back and re-evaluate the intention of the conversation. Maybe you need to take a step back and try to work on coming to some mutual understanding before you try to come to consensus… There will also be some times when you will need to be open to the fact that everyone will not agree about everything. The good news is that complete consensus is often not necessary to move forward. It is often the case that people are able to agree on some fundamental element or component of an issue and use that as a basis upon which to set priorities. When disagreements arise, it is not usually the fact that people disagree that causes a problem; the biggest problems usually arise when people become too focused on conversion and are unwilling to allow differences to stand. People do not have to agree about everything or see things in the exact same way in order to work well together—this is the very heart of diversity. If, however, there are, indeed, irreconcilable differences on a fundamental level then you may need to re-evaluate the relationship or situation.
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